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· H o m e |
Listening: Vivaldi | Piano: Rachmaninoff >=( | Playing:
Baldur's Gate 2 |
Reading: Pandora - Anne Rice | Surfing: - | Chatting:
- | Eating: Pringles |
Feeling: CRAP
Bah! Let's start:
- The immediate. I just know if I had a better piano that the sounds would come
far more fluently, my fingers would work so much better! I got to 'perform' a
bit at my niece's 16th the other night when she asked me to play the grand piano
that was there... I could've stayed all night! Even tinkling on a Prokofiev
prelude that I don't know very well sounded so much better, was so much easier
to play! I'm working on the Rach Prelude C# minor at the moment. I can play it,
but not properly. The notes are in my head, my fingers know them well
enough, but the real feel of it isn't quite there yet. My fingers aren't
quite strong or disciplined enough to put the accents where they should really
be. It's still a bit of a jumble. Practise practise practise!
- It's amazing how many people really don't deserve to live. How many people
would be better off having been aborted before they could ever get the chance to
taint the earth with their lowly, basal ignorance, their utter lack of any shred
of manners or humility, and their true ugliness that goes far deeper than the
flesh. What do you do? Do you harbour resentment for them, help them, react and
take the bait? I can pretend not to hear and see things, I can pretend that
everything bounces off me like the proverbial water off a ducks back; but I'm no
duck, and petty insults and stupidity do get to me. I had visions of stalking
back towards this person, imaginary flickknife gleaming and quickly thrusting it
to their heart/neck/kidneys, sprouting off some dangerous wit... but my stature
is against me there. If I'd had a Janet there... she was the first person I
thought of. Adam is barely bigger than me and too much of a pacifist to retort
in real life or defend me in case it brings about trouble. I collected my things
and said, "you might want to watch out for people who abuse girls in here" to a
security guard, who simply smirked. I hope he dies painfully too. It's funny, I
always advise Adam not to get worked up about this sort of thing, and yet it
does the very same to me. I could rage around, cry, hurt myself, just to let it
out somehow... Ah well, it will pass.
- I'm incredibly listless lately. I sleep from about 6am to 2pm and I hate it. I
don't get anything done, I have no energy, I have no desire to anything. But I
can't stand it. My sister is an argumentive brat, my father is a loud,
controlling bastard, and my mother is a lazy, disorganised hypocrite who fancies
herself a martyr over everything. They all treat everybody else they know better
than their family, and I hate being here because it makes me become like them.
I think I need to go outside.
Listening: The Piano soundtrack | Piano:
Beethoven | Playing: Nothing |
Reading: Dracula | Surfing:
Harmony Land | Chatting:
- | Eating: - |
Feeling: subdued
Ahh, fantastic. I wish I could go and see Phantom of the Opera every night!
Alas, the season ends soon, but I did get to go twice! I don't think I could
justify spending my money on any more tickets... I just wish I could listen to
Ana Marina and Anthony Warlow again; such wonderful voices.
I invited a friend over this evening who I hadn't caught up with in about two
years. We just chatted and watched Don Juan. She hadn't changed much but it was
pleasant to be around someone less self-absorbed and arrogant. :P
Adam says that I've been so unhappy since coming back home. I told him it was
partly true, that I was comfortable again and preferred being at home, but my
stress levels are certainly higher. My volatile, dysfunctional family seem
set out to try each others' nerves. I want to get away and just be with Adam,
somewhere secluded and to ourselves, but it's just not practical or affordable
yet. We are old enough, but not quite 'ready' to move out yet. He is the dearest
thing to me in the world, honestly the most unique person I have yet known. I
tried to hurt myself last night, the first time in ages I've felt the need to...
The marks will fade quickly enough but ... right now it's like an ugly and
reminder of how we can make things out to be worse than they are, to dramatize
and seek attention. A bit disappointed with myself. I wish there were other
passionate and intense outlets I had that I could indulge in at any time of the
day.
The second movement of the Moonlight Sonata is coming along quite nicely, and
I've even attempted enough of the third as to make me confident that I can
play it, as long as I put in the hard work of practicing until it just flows
from my fingertips. In about two weeks I start lessons again.
Blah.
Listening: nothing | Piano: Satie | Playing:
GBA Lord of the Rings |
Reading: Dracula | Surfing:
Harmony Land | Chatting:
- | Eating: - |
Feeling: worn out
Assuming there isn't going to be a post where I am not tired, at least I
feel better after having my back fixed. And I'm so looking forward to two
40˚+ days in a row. When I wake up, the only thing I'll be doing is getting
breakfast and spending the day doing nothing. Perhaps a lukewarm shower to cool
down at some point. Am I taking the air conditioner for granted? Hmm, I don't
think so; the heat affects me pretty badly, as if I didn't need less
energy and motivation.
I wish I had something more interesting to write, but there just isn't anything
very interesting about my life of late! I'm just complaining about the heat,
playing endless Age of Empires II LANs with mum, Adam and my sister... and not
getting really anything done. Though I have been pretty good with my money for a
change! I even exercised today, after helping out around the yard.
Truth be told, I'm not obsessing over anything, I'm not visiting any friends
(not even contacting anyone, really), not 'working' on anything, not making any
excuses to go out. It might be saving me some money, but active-wise it feels
like I'm going nowhere. Adam's, shall we say, 'cynicism' about the entire race
(let's just call it utter misanthropy) rubs off on me a bit and I find myself
relating to people less and less, and having rather more loathing for the
general populous than before. There has always been a streak of it in me, but it
still goes against my better judgment and doesn't feel right.
Phantom to look forward to on the 17th! Nightwish on the 30th!
Listening: nothing | Piano: Chopin | Playing:
Age of Empires II |
Reading: Dracula | Surfing:
Harmony Land | Chatting:
- | Eating: - |
Feeling: Mediocre
I'm so tired! I have a chiropractor appointment next week, the earliest I could
get; I might need to go to a doctor soon too because my hearing's gone muffled -
perhaps they're clogged up.
In better news, we're going to see Phantom of the Opera again on the 17th,
and this time Lowana and my mum are coming too! We have pretty bad seats because
all the good ones went long ago, but I wasn't going to have us seated
separately.
My cat is mewing loudly at the back door but he has to stay on the porch
because he's too disruptive in the morning. :( I don't care at all myself but
apparently the people who are being woken up at 6am by his meowing do. But he's
not allowed outside either (which is exactly where he wants to be, so he can
prowl and wander). He has a meow like a kitten, instead of a mature 'rowr' sort
of voice. It tends to tug at the heartstrings of females.
For some reason I've been trying to tackle Chopin's Polonaise in A flat. It's
wonderful and grand, but still too difficult. I know all the notes, the tune, I
can even play it slowly, but it just doesn't... work. Yet.
I wish I had a more disciplined nature.
Listening: nothing | Piano: Bach | Playing:
Age of Empires II |
Reading: Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows | Surfing: nothing | Chatting: no | Eating:
no |
Feeling: blah
Another week gone. Another Christmas, and tonight is NYE. I'm going to drink,
regardless of who I end up spending the evening with. I got all sorts of great
things for Christmas, so was very happy. My relatives have all gone and it's a
bit quieter. Yesterday Adam and I saw Phantom of the Opera in the city. It was
wonderful! I want to go again so much! We had dinner at a really
glamorous restaurant afterward.
The heat at the moment just saps all the energy from me; I'd do anything for it
to be winter or to be somewhere else in the world. Anywhere the weather didn't
get over about 30˚ year-round. It's going to be horrible hot today... I won't
set foot outside, but I'd love to go swimming.
My room is starting to get a bit tidier. I'm stressed about money. I have
absolutely none, yet I'm actually owed $720. On Tuesday I'll get about $540, and
will have two more payments of $540 in January. Registration is coming up soon
which is about $500, insurance about $250, a speeding ticket of $140, and 10
weeks of piano lessons at $700. I'd pretty much decided against going back after
the advice of a friend, but when the teacher rang me to organise the lessons I
couldn't say no! I think the satisfaction of improving at piano will be worth
it, even if Nick didn't think I needed lessons any more. I know my own ability,
and if I hadn't left years ago I would've finished the highest grade long ago,
maybe even taken a B/L Mus. or something! Anyway, after all those expenditures
are paid I think there will still be enough left for me to be comfortably
well-off for a bit and I'll have a chance to save up for moving out!
Adam is going to be 'moving' into the caravan out the front, since we don't
really have a spare room. I think the idea is quite fun and it will be like
having a mini home, but I miss having someone to cuddle all night so much. :( My
parents aren't exactly strict, but they draw the lines at certain things, and
one of those things is boys sleeping in my room, regardless of whether I've been
with them for... 9 months. I respect that though. They still give us space and
everything, and have been very accommodating, given the sudden relocation a few
weeks ago. I've thought that maybe our relationship is strengthened by being
sort of 'restricted'. It means we spend our time doing other things.
I think I've lost 2kg since I last weighed myself. It's a start. I just want to
get back to 50kg though, so 4kg more to go! I've asked Adam to start exercising
with me again, and living here means I'm more active.
I need my chiropractor desperately!
Listening: LotR complete soundtracks | Piano: Pride & Prejudice | Playing:
Age of Empires II |
Reading: Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows | Surfing: nothing | Chatting: no | Eating:
nothing |
Feeling: sleepy
I really need to get to sleep right now! But I think I have a new
obsession... Olivia Hussey. It can't just be me that thinks she's completely
gorgeous... as Juliet that is. And she has aged well, just like Lena Olin. Ahh,
enough of that.
I've moved back to my house with Adam and it's noisy at the moment with family
here. Christmas Day should be more fun though; the whole buildup seems to be the
stressful bit, whereas for children is just a heap of fun and the promise of
presents.
Bah, goodnight. *yawn*
Listening: Lord
of the Rings Complete Soundtracks | Piano: Pride & Prejudice | Playing: Tetris |
Reading: Harry Potter and the
Deathly Hallows | Surfing: nothing | Chatting: no | Eating:
Pocky |
Feeling:
tired
Well! At long last, I was taken by a creative whim and managed to create
something I was fairly happy with! I have nearly finished with the new content
and hopefully will upload it all tomorrow, so that loyal Nienor.net visitor will
see something other than a "hiatus" page, after these few months.
I turned 21 on the 9th. It was a laid-back and pleasant affair, I got quite a
few lovely and generous gifts and spent the evening having dinner with relatives
and best friends. I suppose the best thing about this age is that in 3 months
I'll be off P-plates. That means that I can be Adam's licensed driver in the car
while he's learning and that I won't get hassled much on the road (the absence
of P-plates seems to change other drivers' attitudes towards you considerably).
Though on a sourer note, I just copped a speeding fine in Adam's mum's car.
Goodbye $120 and one demerit point. I'm not going to make excuses or anything,
but it was only later I found out that her speedo reads wrong, and that even if
I'm doing the 'speed limit' by the car's reading, it's actually doing more than
that. I wish us responsible drivers (I've never had an accident or incurred
anything but a parking ticket [of which I was unaware of my error until later])
would get rewards or something and all the hoons and idiots I see everywhere
could get caught. People tailgate me, drive on the wrong side of the road, etc.
and there is no natural justice...
I put the gothic chokers I've been making into a nearby 'hippy' shop, so
hopefully some of those will sell. I've been making some nice cushions to put on
the bed (red and black, velvet/satin/silk etc.), and thinking of getting another
rabbit. My last two died last year and I sort of feel incomplete without a
bunny... I'd get another New Zealand white from the same place I got Geri I &
II.
