TRANSCRIPT FROM 'EUPHORIA'
Yarra Valley FM
20th August '04
MANHOOD No 1
Graeme Dawson - Valley Care Counsellor with Glenda Riddell
GD: Three or four weeks ago I spoke on domestic violence and the following week went on to child sexual abuse. The week after that we dealt with sexual abuse of adult women and gave advice on what to do to maximize the chance of a conviction. We talked about ECASA, (Eastern Center Against Sexual Assault) and SACAU (Sexual Assault and Child Abuse Unit - Victoria Police). One of the things we drew out of this was that men were by far the greater perpetrators to the extent of 90%. As we work with men and with couples through issues of identity and relationship, we see a need to start looking at how these men can make changes. Within our current society there is a need for men to rediscover themselves and find a new way, because there is something seriously wrong with what's happening at the moment. I have been re-reading a book and recommending it to men and suggesting that they but or borrow it. It was published about 8 years ago and its called 'Manhood - a book about setting men free'. The author is Steve Biddulph and it is available through Collins Bookstores.
GR: I think it's quite a popular book.
GD: Yes its readily available at $22.00 which is not bad, but if that's too much you can get it through the group of libraries.
GR: It's just a matter of ordering.
GD: So over the next few sessions we'll work our way through this book. We won't follow it slavishly but we'll pick out some appropriate material. I'm looking at maybe the first three chapters today where Biddulph talks about 'seven steps to manhood' and 'swimming in a sea of feminism'.
GR: Oh that sounds interesting.
GD: He by no means knocks feminism and at no point in his book is he anti women or takes any aggressive stand. However he's always looking at how men can find themselves and what's been happening progressively on the path to manhood over the last few decades. So before we have a music break let's look at one problem on this path - work. One of the aspects of this problem is that society has changed very much from the 1950's and 60's until now. Of course it had changed a lot from the 20's and 30's to the 50's and 60's and of course it had changed a lot from the last century before that. So if we look at the earlier roles of men, we see that they were fairly well defined. Dominantly Christian and based on a patriarchal biblical model with the husband the head of the house even though that was interpreted in different ways. We chuckle today at those early expectations placed on women by men who would have them 'bare foot and pregnant' in the kitchen. Only more recently in some socio-economic circles has this changed. Before electricity, washing machines, mobile phones and cars for the ladies to do the shopping in, life was pretty tough. Scrubbing, cleaning, washing, bringing up children and working without the modern facilities was still in the domain of working class mothers in the 50's & 60's.
GR: And not many outlets outside of the home, I would think.
GD: Yes that's right. The husband was supposed to be their world even though he was out working in his own world and came home at night expecting the tea to be cooked, the slippers to be out, the fire lit and 'the little woman' ready for his advances in bed.
GR: The pipe stoked too.
GD: Yes and I guess that moved from reality to a myth right through the 50's & 60's. I recall myself happily thinking as I got married in 1964 that this would be my role. I would go to work, be the big provider and the tea would be cooked. At the time my wife was happy with this system as she was wanting to be the homemaker and have the children and do all those homely things. She wasn't a career woman and she enjoyed her role until the big societal changes came in the late 60's. This revolution blew the myths away and lots of difficulties started in relationships as women exercised more choices gained by the Women's Movement. Germaine Greer was a forerunner in turning the tide into Biddulph's 'sea of feminism'. Women stood up for their rights, for equal pay, to be recognized in the vote and in many other ways.
GR: In lots of ways.
GD: Yes it was a revolutionary era for women, even though some say it's still not good enough, and it probably isn't in terms in some areas of inequality. But it did bring about a whole new liberation for women that men have not been part of.
Up until now I've been setting a background to one of the issues in Steve Biddulph's book. It is that men have somehow lost the ability or the opportunity to be trained or inculcated into manhood. The roots of this go back to before the turn of that other century, 1800. This was the time when men were absent from the home because of work and left the wife to discipline and generally bring up the children. Only when some offence was big enough she would say, 'wait until your father comes home'. Of course in that role he came to be seen only as the disciplinarian and rarely the lover of the children. This continued right through the hard times of the 1920's and then the depression years of the 30's. During this time many men were traveling around the country looking for work and were gone for six months at a time. The sons of these men only had this model to work with. I know my father was working long hours every day plus Saturday mornings until 2:00pm in the afternoon (a 48hour week). These were not unusual hours in a standard job in a shop but we would only see him coming home tired and wanting to rest. We would make the best of Saturday afternoon and would have Sunday with him although that day was crowded with church activities. My generation then picked up on how to do manhood from that model. There was the expectation that the home would run well in the man's absence while he was still the patriarchal head. With the changes of the 60's when men were starting to wonder how to cope, along came the 1970's and 80's 'SNAGs' (Sensitive New Aged Guys). These were men who were trying to fit in with the new push of feminism. Biddulph quotes Robert Bly in 'Iron John' who talks about them being flip flop men of the Woody Allen type, men that flipped and flopped about to suit what ever the occasion. In other words they became like chameleons, trying to blend in with what was the current female trend or thrust of the time. Biddulph talks about the 'SNAGs' being the greatest pretenders of all time. Maybe they didn't realize they were pretending but they didn't know any other way and were trying to fit into this New World. Since the 70's, 80's and 90's revolution and reaction, we have experienced the new phenomena of family breakdown. Separation, divorce and new partnering have brought to light the whole step parenting issue. A new type of father-absence is emerging. Fathers are effectively saying to their sons, this is the way to do manhood. If your relationship gets difficult or if you can't make it with a woman then you leave, get another one, and try again. However they don't communicate to their sons, mainly because they don't realize it themselves, that issues need to be resolved, not avoided. Many men never work out why they didn't get on with the first woman before they entered the next relationship. Statistics tell us that while first relationships breakdown at about a 45% rate, second marriages have a breakdown rate of 65%. So there is a sense of lostness in a number of men that is manifested in their inability to work things out with women. I guess they don't have sufficient equipment to take them to the level of manhood required. Many today had fathers who left the relationship when they were 6 and 8 years old. Some have fathers who have died and while the father could not help dying, the situation does leave the child in the position of not having that father model. They may then get a step-father, but it takes a good man to play this role and to know himself and how he can contribute to this child that is not his own. Children, when they are very young in kindergarten or in the playground, obviously don't have problems so they happily play together. But it doesn't take long for little boys to start to get lost in terms of who they are as boys in the schooling system. Girl's lives seem to be more defined and while we try not to stereotype girls into playing with dolls and prams they seem to gravitate to those nurturing roles. Boys on the other hand gravitate to what they do best, which is scrapping in the mud and doing wild-at-heart things but as a consequence are normally dragged over the coals by their teachers and disciplinarians. Bidduulph believes that the boy-way/man-way is getting knocked out of them very early. However there is a fine line between cultivating proper discipline and trying to find the creative ways of cultivating male characteristics. The issue of a predominance of female teachers in primary schools and a lack of male teachers needs looking at. We don't want to get into the political incorrect side of that but I guess what it is saying is that young boys are having their days molded by a woman and are not being able to see how men function during those many school hours. So a child who is already fatherless at home and involved eight hours a day with another woman is not learning men's ways.
GR: It reminds me Graeme of when they introduced the big brother program in schools. As a single mother I was concerned that my boys were growing up without male role models and I remember applying to the program and finding out that there was such an enormous waiting list and that's the sad part.
GD: Well Biddulph does say that single women can be pro-active in this. They can ask to have their child put into a class where there is a male teacher or they can talk to the principal about other possibilities. I know it sounds drastic but it may even mean changing schools if you know your child can have a really good male mentor type teacher. If the child really is lacking a male model then a single mum could apply for entry into the new mentoring program, Kid's Hope. I think there are already five or six schools where it is happening now with ten to twelve anticipated by 2005. This is real opportunity for boys to be mentored by men, that's one adult spending one hour per week with a child in the schools and it is designed to help kids who are battling. However it's not exclusively for boys who don't have a father figure in the home. The schools and the mentors love it - it's a positive thing and a positive way forward. Of course we don't need Steve Biddulph and his book to tell us that many men are lost these days. Young men are taking their own lives in disproportionate numbers because they can't face the future. So whether they have got themselves into an embarrassing situation or whether they have failed in exams or are having difficulties in their work place, they seem unable to find a way forward. There's often an extreme loneliness or defeatedness in their lives, which can lead to suicide. This is often seen as a soft option or way out of the problems but the method is normally very violent and once men attempt it there is no return. In our valley alone I think the statistics run at something like at least one a week.
GR: That's staggering isn't it.
GD: Yes and they are usually aged between eighteen and twenty-four. I think the average age is starting to creep up now because there is an older group of men feeling more lost as they lose relationships and they lose the ability to communicate with their kids.
The 'SNAG' style didn't work and the John Wayne wooden stone image sure didn't either. The Marlboro Men of the 60's were so tough but where are they now. Dead and buried of lung cancer because that image didn't fit either. Biddulph talks about three enemies men have. One is loneliness, the other is compulsive competition and the third is emotional timidity. It seems to be that unless men work these through they will continue to have a real problem. Biddulph's book is also good for women who have a son and they need to come to grips with his growing manhood. It's also good for women who have a man in their relationship who they see as being another child would benefit by the book as well. Because many men today have grown older but not grown up. We'll talk more about that next week.
The book, 'Manhood', available at any Collins bookstore, would be very good for all men and those in relationship with them. Anyone who wishes to discuss these issues further may contact Valley Care Counselling Service on 0409 517273 or e-mail us through the web address.